Last updated on January 20, 2023
For the past two years, I have gone through One Word That Will Change Your Life with a group of gals I treasure in my soul. As a result of going through that book, we each receive a word from God to lean into for the upcoming calendar year (if it sounds hokey to you, try it).
My word for 2020 has been “remain.”
The Bible passage that has gone with that word is John 15:5-8.
I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me. If anyone does not remain in Me, he is thrown aside like a branch and he withers. They gather them, throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples.
John 15:5-8 HCSB
There are a lot of “remains” in there. Sitting with this passage and letting my story marinate in its anointing oil has brought transformation for me this year. I pray my words and my story encourage you.
But first I need to tell you, that though I want to share my story in a more narrative way, I don’t feel at liberty to do so because much of my story intersects with that of others. And their stories are not mine to tell. So, please forgive me if you feel I’m giving incomplete information. I have done my best to prepare my words to tell a truthful story without betraying the confidence of others.
With that business out of the way, let’s get on to the story God has written with my life this year.
Shame into Humility
God used the word remain to transform my shame into humility by showing me who I am.
I think sometimes we can believe that our being ashamed of how inadequate we are is the same as humility. It’s not. Shame makes us feel unfix-able. Shame makes us feel not good enough, yet expecting ourselves to be good enough. How can we measure up to those kind of expectations? We can’t.
Shame tears us apart and robs us of our dignity. Shame never builds up, it only tears down. Shame is from the pit. It causes us to give up the glory of who we are as vessels hand-molded with tenderness and purpose by the Great Potter.
Deep down, I believe we all know we aren’t complete. We aren’t good enough. There are things we feel we should be able to be or do that we just can’t, no matter how much effort we put into it. We will always have ways we fail. That’s just the truth.
It’s what God taught me to do with that truth that transformed my shame into humility. Let me bring you with me to some of my places of shame to illustrate what I mean.
She’s lying on her bed, trying to settle for sleep. Instead her mind reels with worry over her next writing assessment. Tears stream down her flushed face and her body tenses and shakes all at once. Panic is taking over her body. She talks about being left out on the playground, about how she let her anger damage her friendships. Her eyes dart back and forth and she can’t finish her sentences. She wants to be comforted but can’t stand for me to touch her right now. I try not to cry as I watch her internal suffering come out of her. I cry anyway. I can’t fix it for her. And when I try, it does not give her the strength she is going to need as she encounters this storm throughout her life. I should know better than to jump in and save the day. But I can see that my love isn’t enough no matter how much I wish it was.
“Remain in me,” He says to my spirit. “Remain with her,” He says. “Remain in your vulnerability,” He says. “I have given her to you, exactly as she is, to care for, for me. You are right, you are not enough, and that is okay.”
This kitchen floor is disgusting. I can’t even walk barefoot in my own house. What is that growing in the shower? But my back and hips are killing me. I should be able to keep my house clean. Not spotless, but clean so that I don’t run around irritated or disgusted. So I try. This day it takes it takes hours and lots of breaks to get the bathroom clean. That day I tear through the house and get it all done, but then I can barely move for a few days. The mind is willing, but the flesh is weak. I should be able to do more. This body is not enough.
“Remain in me,” He says. “Remain in the mess,” He says. “Remain in your limitations,” He says. “I have formed you just as I want you to be. You are right, you are not enough, and that is okay.”
It’s been days since he and I have spoken, much less spent time with each other. He feels so far away. I wonder what I’ve done. I shouldn’t have said those words. I should have taken care of that thing. I shouldn’t have challenged that perspective. I shouldn’t have said, “not tonight.” I just can’t figure out this dance.
“Remain in Me,” my Jesus says. “Remain with him. I have placed you together. Remain in the difficult places. Remain open and vulnerable. Remain truthful. You are right, you are not enough. Neither is he, and that is okay.”
Jesus says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in [her] produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me. If anyone does not remain in Me, [she] is thrown aside like a branch and [she] withers.“
That right there is where shame transforms into humility. The only way it is okay that I am not enough is that I remain attached to the vine. It is the recognition that I am not the vine. I am not where the life comes from. I am not even the Gardener. I am a branch. And that is as it should be.
You see, I’m not in charge of her story. He is.
I’m not in charge of what my body can and can’t do. He is.
I’m not in charge of others’ thoughts and feelings. He is.
I’m not in charge of anything, really. Except remaining attached to the Vine and not trying to be a fruitful branch all on my own. It doesn’t work. I shrivel up and die.
In 2020, God used the word “remain” to transform my shame into humility by showing me that…
… I am not enough, and that is okay.
Anxiety into Patience
God also used the word “remain” to transform my anxiety into patience by showing me who He is.
“Remain” is an interesting word. It is used in scripture in some places to indicate action, such as remaining attached to the vine. In other places, it is used to indicate inaction..to wait, to stay until… something.
Mary and Joseph were told to go to Egypt after Jesus was born and remain there until…
Jesus was told Lazarus, his dear friend, was dying, yet he remained where he was until…
When the Israelites were being led by God’s cloud and fire through the wilderness, many times they remained in a place until…
Like those stories recorded for us in the Scriptures, often the Spirit tells us to remain until…until that obstacle is removed, until that moment will bring him the most glory, until our hearts or their hearts have been properly prepared or the path has been perfectly laid out.
I have Generalized Anxiety Disorder. It gives me a feeling that I’m in trouble for something, or that I’m always waiting for the other shoe to drop. That any hope I’m experiencing right now is going to be gone in the next moment.
So I have a tendency to experience the urge to take action to mitigate any possible uncomfortable scenario. I’ll micromanage situations or people. Or I’ll over-plan. Very often I’ll over-analyze to the point of mental and emotional paralysis. Or I’ll switch to auto-pilot and just keep doing. Sometimes it doesn’t even matter what I’m doing. I’m just…doing…to be taking some kind of action to get rid of or prevent whatever it is that’s threatening.
This year, when I have caught myself in the throes of anxious thought or action, I have worked to remain attached to the Vine. Many times I am reminded of Martha and Mary. Specifically Mary, who remained at the feet of Jesus. Listening to, learning from, and just being with him. Even though there was a houseful of people to prepare for. Even though her sister was in the kitchen freaking out and judging her. Even though there was plenty to do and much of life to be concerned about. But she remained. With Jesus. And it would not be taken from her. She chose the good part.
When I thought of Mary, I remembered to take myself into the presence of Jesus through prayer, journaling, reading Scripture, writing words to share with others, or listening to the psalms, hymns, and spiritual songs of other believers. And there I would remain until…
Until God, by his Spirit, calmed my anxious heart. Until God reminded my spirit that he has a plan. Until God gave me his eyes to see truth where my mind was blinded by lies. I learned to wait. To trust. To be held. To settle within my own spirit because of the Spirit of Christ that dwells within me.
And the dread didn’t seem so dreadful. The hope was more hopeful. And the story being woven around me continued to be written without me having to hold the pen or do the editing.
In that remaining, I discovered that when I stop all the spinning around and just watch and listen and observe, I get to see the Glory of God at work. I see the result of Him working in the inner lives of the people I care about. I start to understand, again, that I get to be in the world, but the world doesn’t need me to keep it together.
In Him all things hold together. And I am reminded that my little tiny piece of His life, given to me, matters to him even more than it matters to me. He is in it all. And He is working through it all. And he is good and trustworthy and beyond capable and that is truly all that is needed.
In 2020, God used the word “remain” to transform my shame into humility, and my anxiety into patience by showing me that…
…I am not enough and that is okay, because He is in control and I am not.
Timidity into Boldness
Even more, God used the word “remain” to transform my timidity into boldness by showing me who He is within me.
Jesus said, “If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples.“
I took him at his word and I started praying big prayers. Ridiculous prayers. Prayers for areas of my life and the lives of others where I’d pretty much assumed things were just going to be that way.
And in so praying, I learned to remain in His presence while I took a genuine look at my own complicated thoughts and feelings about what was happening in my life, and in spaces where I carried direct influence.
Then, instead of doing what I’d learned to do over the years and minimize those thoughts and feelings, or try to talk myself out of them, or chalk them up as selfish or sinful or unloving, I remained with them. The whole nasty, raw mess out on the table…with Jesus right there. And there he remained with me. And we worked together. We are still working together.
And, slowly, like a skilled Potter with a lump of crumbly clay, God added the oil of His Spirit and the water of the word, plus his power in the hands of a few precious ones of his people to shape me into a new vessel. A vessel that knows I am but clay, but that I have perspective and the various gifts He has built into me. And that I have specific purpose by his design.
So instead of passing on difficult conversations to avoid tension, conflict, or straight up destruction of what I thought was most valuable, I entered right into them and was only able because I knew I was built to engage with all that had been built into me, and that the one who built me and continues to form and reform me was right there the whole time. I didn’t have to do it right, he would make it right. I only had to step forward with him.
Those difficult conversations weren’t pleasant, and they ones that are not yet resolved still aren’t when it’s time to revisit them, but there is such freedom in knowing who I am, who He is, and in remaining attached to the vine, submitting to the hands of the potter, placing myself in a situation where only He can be the redeemer and only he can bring forth fruit from this branch.
And he has.
A year ago, my marriage was a total mess and there were days and periods of time when it was so bad I was just waiting for one of us to call it. By his grace, that has never happened. And now, by His power, we are finally talking about what needs to be talked about and hanging in there when we want to bail on the whole thing. His power working through me in my half of the relationship has made a way for us to step forward in hopeful strides down the path of genuine understanding and unity. We are closer together now than we ever have been, and though there is a long way to go, we’re getting to feast on some delicious fruit along the way.
A year ago, our son was a shell of the child we’d known and my well-intentioned but misplaced attempts to support him only weakened him and stunted his growth. My anxiety was through the roof and I was reacting to the trauma it caused. But now, by the Power of the Spirit, the lifeblood of the Vine, I am able to let hard things come and He is transforming our family dynamic and using us to build up our child and home. It’s a long road yet, but redemption is happening and I have a sincere hope that we are making our way out of the woods and onto a well-laid path.
2020 has been a year beyond what any of us could have anticipated. For better or for worse. But none of it is a surprise to God. When each of us were given our One Words for the year, none of us really knew what we were in for. I sure didn’t.
Yet, in 2020, God used the word “remain” to transform my shame into humility, my anxiety into patience, and my timidity into boldness by showing me that…
…I am not enough, and that is okay, because He is in control, and I am not, and he is present within me and producing his fruit through me.
Jesus says, “I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in Me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without Me. If anyone does not remain in Me, he is thrown aside like a branch and he withers. They gather them, throw them into the fire, and they are burned. If you remain in Me and My words remain in you, ask whatever you want and it will be done for you. My Father is glorified by this: that you produce much fruit and prove to be My disciples.“
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